ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix