[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.