I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it