How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can