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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You learn something every day
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.