I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
You Might Also Like
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*