When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
getting corrected
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.