A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
lmao
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.