My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
no their not
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Barbie gone wild
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.