BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.