[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.