Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about