A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Going to church you guys need anything
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“no gods no masters” = leo
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.