No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
You Might Also Like
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
How all things should be taught/explained.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued