Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.