With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.