Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Somebody call the cops.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?