When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
im 7 sauces long
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
😬
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes