The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night