I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.