Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs