WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
spicy snake
Ironic
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.