You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Kentucky names the shit out of places