Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
when u come home smelling like another dog
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.