BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I finally found a reason to live again.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.