It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.