(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even