My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.