ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me