me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
You Might Also Like
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
This squirrel eats better than I do
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Butt weight. There’s more!
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
mechanics be like
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.