The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
it was a valiant fight
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Just so funny
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?