people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.