A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Admin smashed it 😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*pokes sex life with a stick
When I can’t barge, I careen.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.