Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Ugh but profoundly
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*