An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
You Might Also Like
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*