The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?