The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
plant them where lol
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
A small tragedy.
wtf is an acronym
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.