Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?