I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice