These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“our sushi is very fresh”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Mountain Goat : )
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.