*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.