Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.