Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
another case of gang violins
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
motivation
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
why am I working on Labor Day
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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