I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Trying
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something