{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac