Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?