Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
got so much cardio in today
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues