interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Leaving the Barbers like
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.