I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Whoa… oh I see lol
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.