some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
You Might Also Like
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.